What do you do?

“What do you do?”

These four harmless words are a common cocktail party question, a seemingly innocuous if predictable conversation starter. You know the scenario. You meet someone for the first time and have to engage in that awkward yet polite small talk. You look for something to talk about while not appearing to search for someone better to talk to. Throw me a bone, stranger, you silently plead when you ask that basic question.

But it’s not all that innocent, really. A lot hinges on the answer. It allows you to define a person, put them in context. Are they smart or interesting? Is there any common ground? At the very least, it provides an opportunity for a follow up question and a conversation.  But for those of us with no career, the reaction we fear most is dismissal. Because when you tell someone you are a stay at home mother, they hear unemployable, uneducated, unsmart. (Careful. Don’t make any sudden movements. Back away slowly…)

Since I haven’t worked since my oldest kid was born 17 years ago, answering this question can be tricky. Lots of unspoken answers to unspoken questions fill my inner dialogue. Yes, I went to college; graduate school even. Oh and I have a teaching credential too, expired but I’ve got one. Yeah I choose to stay home.

A lot has been written about the Mommy Wars. You know, who’s got it better. Or whose lot is harder. Used to be, we had no choice but to stay home once we had kids. I was raised by a stay-at-home-mom. A depressed mom, to be honest, but that’s what mom’s did back then. They stayed home and raised their kids. And got depressed. There were very few working moms that I knew, and fewer single moms.

It was easier to be an at home mom back in the day. There weren’t a lot of expectations. Dinner? Frozen fish sticks and macaroni and cheese. You betcha. Kids need to get to school? Get out the door and walk. In the rain (I’d claim snow but I was raised in California). Uphill both ways. Kids want to play with someone? Run outside and see if there is anyone around. There were no such things as play dates. Or sports teams. And I don’t think I met a crafty person until I was about 30. Martha Stewart hadn’t happened to all of us.

But as I was growing up the bra burners refused to be relegated to the housewife role. I am woman: hear me roar. So the pendulum started to swing in a different direction. Fast-forward a generation and women are expected to work. Working moms have achieved a sort of acceptance, and there is even an expectation that moms will work. To be honest, that American Dream requires two incomes these days. I mean, what is the next generation going to do? Send their kids back to the coal mine?

The trailblazers of my generation were the ones who chose to stay home. But the acceptance that working moms fought for hasn’t trickled down to those of us who abandoned careers to stay home. So we push our kids, making an art out of volunteering. We approach raising our kids with the same fervor and dedication as anyone climbing the corporate ladder. Our kids are going to Achieve whether they want to or not! Sports, clubs, organized play dates and working in the classroom. That’s what we do.

So, how about those Giants?